This late night outburst of thoughts is the result of this
strange feeling I am experiencing at wee
hours of the night. It was evoked when I looked at my 3 ½ yr old son “Samar’s ”
photograph on my desktop while shutting down my laptop . Since I have never
experienced it ever before in my life, nor any of my contemporaries ever shared
any such emotion springing up in their lives, made me dig deeper to find the
cause of such an emotion. The first victim was my age (35), may be this is what
they call the midlife crisis. But who would call this amazing and wonderful
urge a ‘crisis’? The urge was to become a ‘Grandparent’. What evoked it, how
did it even occur to me, when organically it should take me no less than
another 25 yrs to become one. I don’t have a ‘freaking’ clue.
What’s so wonderful about becoming a grandparent? I’ve
always wondered. Living in a joint
family gave me a 3D view of the chemistry between this relation. My parents overwhelming
response to my child’s birth was the outset of this journey and later my son’s
bent towards them was something to marvel about. Since I am a male I tend to
identify more with my father in this case.
So what does a grandparent means to a child, who has no
understanding of the intricacies of relationships, worse of all the Indian joint
family system? Let me paint an extremely familiar scene in a typical Indian family
wherein a grandpa (Dada ji) or grandmother (Dadi ji) act as an escalation point
to report all the excesses made by a child’s parents and later a refuge when
the roles are reversed. It was mind boggling for me to understand as to what
goes on in a grandparents mind, especially the one’s who were once a hard task
master to their own kids but could now be seen sneaking chocolates to their
grandkids, defending their bad behavior, supportive of their absenteeism from
school, exaggerating their achievements among relatives.
You can find virtually
every grandparent certain of their grandkids future in one of the illustrious career
since the attainment of adolescence. Love of stethoscope is deemed as potential
for a doctor, building of plastic blocks as high as 2 ft is a one way ticket to
the IIT’s, any prolong noise made by the kid is worthy of Indian idol, to name
a few. It makes you wonder, where was this generosity & tenderness stifled
away, when you were the same age. The resonance of the slaps across my face
seems to come rushing back, when I see my father actually cherish the blows my
son dispatches with his plastic bat.
While trying to understand this sudden change of heart among
the community of grandparents, I stumbled upon a theory entirely my own, appealing
but negative. The theory was that grandparents actually become selfish in the
process of bringing up their grandkids. Since they are certain of the fact that
they will not be held responsible or accountable but their kids, for what their
grandkids might become. It grants them an air of carelessness and sometimes a
certain amount of brazenness. Many of them already in the twilights of their
life are not even certain to see their grandkids graduate. The consciousness that
they might not bear the fruits, makes them an inconsiderate gardener.
However, it seemed a view of an inexperienced parent and of
a generation which has aped western parenting. A culture where the grandparents shower their
love once a year at Christmas or Thanks giving dinners. We on the other hand belong
to a culture where parents sacrifice their worldly pleasures to leave some kind
of belongings for their kids, where a mother in law, no matter how hostile
would leave every shred of gold for her daughter in law including instructions
to pass on the same to her daughter in law. It seemed that while trying to
justify my earlier theory I would entangle myself into a web of a paradox.
Should I come up with another theory, Is there really an apt
definition for this phenomena called “Grandparent”. I decided not to define it,
may be its lucid form is where it derives its warmth from. May be the grand
achievements of their kids, a high ranking executive in an MNC, a million
dollar home, half a million dollar worth car, respect and recognition of their
son/daughter in society’s eyes are not the true rewards for a parent. May be
the fruit they want to bear is not what all is mentioned earlier or the bright
future of their grandkid but this brazenness and carelessness they can
experience while bringing up their grandkid. Perhaps it’s the hard earned reward
for the struggle of educating themselves in tough conditions, stifling their
own passions to take up the first available job, wearing a worn out trouser to
office to pay up for kids school fee, shouldering responsibility of ageing
parents. The act is very similar to that
of a laborer quenching his thirst with cold water after dragging his cart for
several kilometers in the Indian summer.
Who can resist such an act? I guess I got the answer for my
urge. However, nature has its own concept of justice, she knows I still have
another 25 or more years of hard labor left in my account, therefore irrespective
of the quantum of my urge, I will have to wait my for my reward. But I promise
myself, I would certainly cherish it the way no grandparent has ever done. Even
if it means to turn my grandkid into a totally spoiled brat!
